UH. Hi guys. Sorry I've been out.... VERY SORRY! ;A;;;;

A lot has happened since I was last here.... >o> Lots of good and a very few bad.... but in terms of getting back on track with dA... it'll be a forever WIP sort of deal... if that makes any sense... <o<

I'll just upload some old stuff from Tegakie... and any other sketches I've had. Unfortunately, my stylus has been missing since the weekend following my bday... and even though I've my main computer back... the scanner isn't installed. OTL

Oh yeah.... I'm TWENTY now. orz;;;
November 6 My bday was celebrated not in one gathering with cake like always, before, so it didn't feel like we celebrated at all... though my father and I went out to get pizza, only my grandmother sat down with me to eat some... She baked some cake for me Thursday though... and there was pancit that night when i came home late from school...

But Friday night, my family and I had a road trip to NY for someone else's bday on Saturday... Though breakfast that Saturday, the Happy BDay song was sung for me at the table~ :'>

However, most of my greetings and presents were messages and drawings from some of you guys through Facebook, msn, here, and Tegakie... I love you guys--you know who you are~ ;U; <33

Lol, I hope I didn't sound like a brat or something somewhere up there... I was just not used to my bday happening like it did;;;

Anyway, The semester's already almost over, and I've been slacking a little bit... and by "little bit" I mean "a lot" so I need to get a lot of work done (for my DrawingII and Comp.Illustration classes...).

Maybe I'll get a chance to share some of that work here... >o>
Did I mention somewhere before that I have a boyfriend now? Well I do. :'>

So PeaceOut for now...

Okay... I just want to push my past journal entry off of my front page. lol

Otakon is coming up... maybe I'll put up a picture of myself.... FOR REAL THIS TIME... for anyone who wants to meet up somehow... or by luck a chance meeting... or soemthing...
1) Y/N?

I'm not cosplaying this year... again.... cause last year my mom was all DONT DO THAT WEIRDO and I caved. >:I
Shedidn'treallysaythatbutsomethingalongthoselines... :U;;

Plus I suck at putting together a costume. I'm lazy and slow. :'D
Unless someone is behind me, making me work... lolol...

Maybe next year I'll get a table an sell prints and shit.
2) Y/N?

This journal will be a questionnaire of you guys' opinions... lol

And maybe I'll start commissions.
3) Y/N?
(me: N)

Actually I need to get something very important done.. but SOMEONE keeps nagging on getting things done... like more cleaning and planting flowers... and other stuff...

MAN. My phone died and I still cant find my charger. >:T;;
Little creatures took it and have made some sort of shrine out of it.
4) Y/N?


No need to answer.. but... yeah.. oh but I'm really curious about the first two... OBVIOUSLY NOT the last. derp.

Okay... I--DON'T... EVEN KNOW.
PEACE OUT FOR NOW, GUYS...
MKay

...
The title speaks the truth, so don't read this if you don't want to waste your time.
No really.... VERBOSENESS ALERT. But if you DO decide to read this, then read ALL OF IT... because I don't want anyone misunderstanding me or anything else. :I;;;

Thanks
...


Okay...

I really do not know how to begin this journal. I have too many things floating around my head that I would like to throw on here. But at the same time, being a secretive person, I also don't want to share any of this. I am really one of those suffering it alone and in silence type of people. Because I'm kinda suffering right now. Or maybe it's just in my head. Maybe I... I don't know. Anyway.

Someone has been bothering me lately and I've been trying to avoid them. But the problem is is that I live with this person. I don't answer when they call and only call back if something needs to be done. Then eventually we meet, and all I would rather do is go somewhere else or not speak and just go along with and listen to the same old things they tell me. The same old shit that I am tired of hearing. And what is worse, is that this same old shit is the kind that happens to make sense and is probably right. Unless I'm convincing myself that what they nag about is right. No, I'm not convincing myself that what they nag about is right. Any other person would agree with them. For the most part. I should stop over thinking things.

But for all my life, this person has had a heavy influence on me. They have been overprotective to the point that I am really just full of doubt and do not know what to do without asking twice or maybe even a third time.

Really why am I crying right now? I'm almost twenty and I need to grow up. Yet I'm a damned kid at heart and I can't change that. Even though it'd be great sometimes.

I really wish that I could just take initiative with things and get them done quickly. This way I can move on. But I never get things done quickly. Whether I just like to take my time or whether I'm just slow, NEVER.

I even think I've driven this person to tears because of my cumbersome self and lack of initiative. But I also know that this person thinks too much of what others think of them and, in turn, make me and my sister into accessories to their image in front of others. They probably don't even realize they are doing this. This person is stressing too much of the doctors and nurses they are surrounded by at work, and the few surgeons and accountants in my entire family. So they turn to us and urge us to be something great. Something for them to be proud of, but for the wrong reasons.

For the longest time they urged me to become a nurse or doctor... something medical and awesome with a fat touch of prestige and respect that comes along with the PhD. But I happened to latch myself onto art where you don't make money, apparently. For the longest time I have been confused with which college to go to and what I wanted my major to be. And when the time came to pick and choose I crumbled and settled with community college (WHICH IS ACTUALLY REALLY NICE). I nearly applied to art schools like Corcoran and MICA, and even got a few recommendation letters, but all to waste because this person was behind me urging me to be something I didn't want to but ended up considering to be.

Wouldn't it be cool to have a daughter who is in med school? GREAT RIGHT? Your co-workers will be really impressed with you. HECK. The whole world will like you better if you are a doctor. Of course.

This is all a vicious cycle of image and possession between people and their pride. I'm sick of it and yet I find myself worried about how I look before others. I worry and think to where it SOMEHOW leads to other things bigger than self image. It changes to me worrying about my future and what the hell I'm doing with my life. Or somehow to a lot of self blame (like "I'm so slow and can't get things done"). And then I think that, in the end, it really is all about self image.

If only this circle didn't surround me. And if only I could truly not care about how I look aesthetically or academically or whatever to others... If only this circle didn't cause this person to compare my sister and I to our cousins or their co-worker's kids. I would be happier.



This journal took too long to complete. And I would have more to say but I'd rather not. Plus this is pretty long already. I might as well write a book. Then get my shit straight. :/

I don't know. I'll delete this later unless I forget. I'm quite forgetful. But mostly, I don't like being a depressing, whiny person. Though some of this IS pretty observational. I like being stupidly happy and cheery anyway. :>

Sorry to anyone who reads this. But at the same time thanks. <3
And don't stress on making a comment... I was just venting. :U;;
AND I AM NOT ASKING FOR SYMPATHY. :'D;;;;
Just... venting... lol


PeaceOut,
MKay

Before the month ends... I'll make this journal.

HUR.

I've lot's of things coming up and lot's of things I should do. But also lots of things bothering me. I need to quit being such a hedonist and get a job too. >:I

Sooo... I've been hiding out on tegakiE... on top of going out-of-state one week after the other this month. Then, next month is Otakon! I'm pre-registered already... is anyone here going? ...aside from my RL friends cause I know you guys are going. lol

I was supposed to go to Philadelphia today... but my mom decided to babysit my pseudo little bro, Keagan, instead. :U;


Anyway... REMEMBER BEN? ANYONE? My OC Benjamin Wright...??
Well I started drawing him again... for this Cyberpunk vs Steampunk RP on tegakiE... it's a very organized RP.. with a chat and a wiki... lol pretty fun stuff... I still need to get to know everyone's names (users and characters, lol).

ThisRPmighthelpmewithmyforgottensecretquesttomakemystylenotsoanimeanymore... IforgotaboutthisquestwhenIbumpedintotheAPHtagbackinJanorFeb... :I;;ButIrealizethatIcanswitchstylespretteasilynotthatitsverynoticableIguessornotidk


YEAHHH... So I'll TRY to get some work on here... But I guess I can dig up some of my old stuff and put them up here... also...

I STILL DO NOT HAVE MY DESKTOP COMPUTER. lol.
AND NO SCANNER STILL.
SO NO TRADITIONAL STUFF.


ANYTHING ELSE? I don't know...?? Oh, I have Open Canvas now... thanks to *Matsu-sensei... I keep getting distracted though... And it's not really that hot, I just like the emote for the mood. :U;;



OKAY, well... lemon juice can easily get rid of that seafoody-crabby smell out of your hands... peace out for now. : D
MKay

I'm so sorry. I've been.........slacking.... on everything.

OTL;;;

I still don't have my main computer back so I also can't scan and show you anything I've drawn on paper... or use Photoshop... or draw on or attempt to animate anything on Flash... or even update my iPod. : D;;;

And although I have this program called ArtRage, it's slow sometimes on my laptop and I can' use the layers *because I have the free version : P *cheappcheap*

Tom, ~winger, tells me about Dream Weaver? I'll look for it later... but I want to find this bundle CD that came with my tablet and see if that'll work on my laptop.

</endsadness?>

HOWEVER, I do have large format drawings from my Drawing I class... they're all large format so I will have to shoot them (with a camera--durr).

Speaking of cameras.... I haven't shot any photos in a very long time... and the wet dark room at my school is going down soon... *tear*

I miss photography. D':
Though I've never really had my own camer...a >___>

OMG WAIT BADNEWS.
*screamgushgroanwhine* My great aunt from Ohio who let me have my violin... SHE WANTS IT BACK. UGH.

But it's because one of my kid cousins (whom I barely know) signed up for violin classes. *this is where I feel bad for my earlier reaction* :/
Spread the musical love? But say bye to my violin. :<;; Though I haven't played in a while, I was ready to pick it up again because of ~HanaMizushima... and also because of Eurovision's Norway, Alexander Rybak, thanks to ~Mekimek. <33

*sigh*

Well I better play the heck out of Oliver (my violin, whut) before I give him back to my aunt (whenever that will be)...

Anything else? Yes.
Spring semester's almost over. My math grade is lower than any grade I've ever gotten. I have a 100-point Speech on Monday *nervous/excited*. English class is flipping EASY--but I seldom do my work for it *lazysorry*. I would like to have a job right now (though I somehow manage to have cash on me without one).

I would like to do commissions some time... *hides*
I'll do a few art dumps from pchats later... and maybe a few things from TegakiE.
I've made a lovely bunch of friends. You guys know who you are. :'D <33333
But I also miss my IRL friends like WHOA. D':

OIEHFORHE OHHH AND I FINALLY SAW KELLY, ~AltoidAddict1517, AT THE ART BUILDING. I was working on a landscape drawing *outside* and she just left the art building and went *outside* right where I was. :''DDDD
(but this was a while ago) lol

Lastly, I've been pretty OA lately... :/;; I should tone it down and chill.
And there are a lot of things I probably forgot to mention. >___>;;



Peace outs,
MKay/Kuya/Old Man/Snake (not Solid)


Random but relevant: wow I just noticed I've been doing only one journal a month, lately... *laugh*